When God closes a door, he opens a window. Sounds to me like he's on the toilet.
My life is just like Breaking Bad except instead of a chemistry teacher I'm just a guy and instead of making meth I don't do much.
If you don't believe in the living dead, how do your explain the Golf Channel?
Catholic Church reasserts its moral authority on contraception: If God believed in birth control, altar boys would have a uterus.
Very few positive experiences begin with being told to count back slowly from ten.
I have no ability to develop muscle tone. I could do situps all day and still look like a condom full of walnuts.