I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? Get out there and play like horny old ladies!

I'm no longer afraid of not making enough mistakes.

You rarely get a convincing lecture on playing to your strength from a bald guy with a ponytail.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

Women do it all the time to look younger and it would make perfect sense if one of them ever came out looking younger - but they don't. They just look the same; they all get plastic surgery face. No matter who they look like going in, they all come out looking like the girl from the band on 'The Muppet Show.

Let's all start wearing bolo ties, and when they become hip again, we'll all say we were kidding.

My whole approach to marriage is simple: my wife will do something that drives me insane, I won't say anything, and then, later, I'll die of cancer.