I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? Get out there and play like horny old ladies!

Somewhere, there's someone who's masturbation ritual ends with them setting up ventriloquist dummies facing the bed. I mean, someone else.

I once felt bad because I had no shoes, and then I met a man who had no feet. He was wearing an ankle bracelet that kept falling off.

It's gonna be awesome! A suspected pedophile dunks my kids head in a bucket so when she dies she can live in an invisible castle. Set the alarm!

You write the script, and then you just go over it 400 times and make all the jokes better. It really is true. That's essentially the way it works.

My father hauled boxes so I could get an education and earn enough money to pay someone to make me lift weights.

Reality TV is the perfect antidote to people who don't have enough self-centered douchebags in their life.