If studies on lab rats are any indication, human beings have a deep-seated fear of a big, scary cat being let into their cage.

Marriage is like a row boat: it fits two, it doesn't work on auto-pilot and it's very difficult to have sex in.

I wanted to be a comedian. I wanted to meet waitresses and felt that being a comedian was my best way to go about it and I was right.

Showing joy by jumping up and down and clapping goes away at some point between pre-school and being old enough to go to orgies.

I'm going to live until I die, and everything in between is just another excuse to eat peanut butter.

Death's vigilance is eternal, so shall mine be.

Why is it, when I have nothing to do, I drink more coffee? It's as if I'm in a big hurry to get nothing done.