If studies on lab rats are any indication, human beings have a deep-seated fear of a big, scary cat being let into their cage.

I have no ability to develop muscle tone. I could do situps all day and still look like a condom full of walnuts.

Every day is a gift. That said, I've gotten some pretty shitty gifts over the years.

Catholic Church reasserts its moral authority on contraception: If God believed in birth control, altar boys would have a uterus.

Strap On spelled backwards is No Parts. Just sayin'.

My whole approach to marriage is simple: my wife will do something that drives me insane, I won't say anything, and then, later, I'll die of cancer.

Always remember, you don't stop shitting your pants because you grow old. You grow old because you stop shitting your pants.