Have you ever dated a Goth chick for four or five months until you realized she was just an Orthodox Jew? They have the same costumes.
Do you know what Irish Alzheimer's is? It's when you forget everything but your grudges.
What do people in prison say when they meet new friends? Give me your cell number.
The older I get, the more I look like my favorite shoes.
Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.
I don't want to appear to be placing blame, but as far my life is concerned, everything is pretty much my dad's ball's fault.