Twitter is not a good place for people who feel they're being followed.

I like to think of murder-suicide as extreme multitasking.

What's a farmer's market without some guy singing Here Comes The Sun in a way that makes you wish the sun would stop coming up.

To me 30 isn't old. But it's definitely the beginning of no longer young. Because you notice little subtle things happen to you. You'll be in your car driving around listening to the radio and hear stuff like, That's was an oldie from The Clash.

I have no ability to develop muscle tone. I could do situps all day and still look like a condom full of walnuts.

I don't want to say my mom is late on trends, but this morning she said, Have a shagadelic day, sweetheart.

Somewhere a woman is praying her toddler wins a beauty pageant. I say this because sometimes people wonder why God lets tornadoes happen.