Twitter is not a good place for people who feel they're being followed.

Had an audition for a pilot today, but realized I could save gas and help the environment by pissing up a rope here at home!

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

Why do some bald guys grow ponytails? It it the same reason people too old to run always wear track shoes and sweat pants?

If I'm alone in the car and I fart, I still laugh at it. It's the little things that keep us civilised.

Does anyone remember how we used to get cash before ATM's? Did we have to go inside the bank? Then what? We lived like apes!

When I was in high school, girls made fun of me for liking vampire movies. Now, I'd be their king. Time machine, where are you?