Is there an award for the best trophy? I bet they hand out a plaque.

Showing joy by jumping up and down and clapping goes away at some point between pre-school and being old enough to go to orgies.

It's gonna be awesome! A suspected pedophile dunks my kids head in a bucket so when she dies she can live in an invisible castle. Set the alarm!

Love means never having to say you're sorry. Marriage means apologizing when you know you're right.

Being funny is not the same as being happy.

One of the coolest things about the word boobs is, when you look at it, it has boobs.

If you want to see what I'll look like as an old guy, check out any recent photo of me.