Is there an award for the best trophy? I bet they hand out a plaque.

I'm going to live until I die, and everything in between is just another excuse to eat peanut butter.

I don't want to appear to be placing blame, but as far my life is concerned, everything is pretty much my dad's ball's fault.

I wanted to be a comedian. I wanted to meet waitresses and felt that being a comedian was my best way to go about it and I was right.

Do people in the Ku Klux Klan who die and come back as ghosts have to wear two sheets when attending the rally?

Here's something you never hear: Now that I've worked through all my emotional issues, I'm free to dedicate my life to ventriloquism!

It's been years since any hillbilly has reported getting sodomized by an alien. Did they break up and not tell us?