Is there an award for the best trophy? I bet they hand out a plaque.

Love means never having to say you're sorry. Marriage means apologizing when you know you're right.

Competition is the death of art.

New synonyms for sex: Going to a family function, getting the hard part over with, anti-fillet. Get it? Sex!

My dog keeps looking at me as if he knows my secret, as if he and he alone can see my soul. That or he wants this pork chop.

When I was in high school, girls made fun of me for liking vampire movies. Now, I'd be their king. Time machine, where are you?

Our grocery store now has self-checkout, for your convenience. It's like getting punched in the throat, for your comfort.