Is there an award for the best trophy? I bet they hand out a plaque.

Why is it, when I have nothing to do, I drink more coffee? It's as if I'm in a big hurry to get nothing done.

The more women walk around in sweat pants, the harder it is to tell who's out jogging and who's running away from a mugger.

There's something profoundly disturbing about watching an old guy eat a sandwich.

Christ was born in a manger, laying down amongst donkeys ang goats. He was given gifts of incense and perfume. No kidding.

Here's something you never hear: Now that I've worked through all my emotional issues, I'm free to dedicate my life to ventriloquism!

I've never slept with a virgin, but I love breaking the seal on a new peanut butter.