Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

When I finally invent a time machine you will already know about it because I'll have told you a long time ago.

Want to be happy? Don't live competitively. Be content who you are. Live at peace with yourself and the losers below you.

When you break life down, it's about 100% time management.

I used to pessimistically think I was going to die alone, but now I optimistically know I'm going to die hoping to meet someone.

The older I get, the more I look like my favorite shoes.

If you're selling something on Craiglist, it's never a good idea to end the description with, May have lice.