A giant python was discovered in Florida. Spooky news for a state that derives half it's income from a giant mouse.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

The circus goes from town to town, so why run away to join it? It should be, I've decided to wait for the circus to come.

In an effort to look cool, I am going to stop shouting Hey, you! at airplanes.

Rejected names for World War II: 'Global Super Killfest', 'Germaniacal Japandamonium', 'World War 1: New Moon'.

What do people in prison say when they meet new friends? Give me your cell number.

My first open mic was fantastic. I crushed. And my second mic was as bad as my first one was good.