A giant python was discovered in Florida. Spooky news for a state that derives half it's income from a giant mouse.

When I found out that coffins are padded, I stopped fearing death.

It's gonna be awesome! A suspected pedophile dunks my kids head in a bucket so when she dies she can live in an invisible castle. Set the alarm!

I'm the Forrest Gump of comedy.

Showing joy by jumping up and down and clapping goes away at some point between pre-school and being old enough to go to orgies.

No one has ever thought this: Now that I'm out of therapy and have fixed my mental problems, I think I want to be a ventriloquist.

I was an altar boy in the Roman Catholic Church and no priest ever laid a hand on me. That's me, always the bridesmaid.