My dog keeps looking at me as if he knows my secret, as if he and he alone can see my soul. That or he wants this pork chop.

Do transvestites have to dress up for Halloween or do they pretty much qualify from the get-go?

Had an audition for a pilot today, but realized I could save gas and help the environment by pissing up a rope here at home!

My first open mic was fantastic. I crushed. And my second mic was as bad as my first one was good.

The circus goes from town to town, so why run away to join it? It should be, I've decided to wait for the circus to come.

When I was in high school, girls made fun of me for liking vampire movies. Now, I'd be their king. Time machine, where are you?

I take the Bible literally, but not seriously.