My dog keeps looking at me as if he knows my secret, as if he and he alone can see my soul. That or he wants this pork chop.

The best part of living in constant terror is you always have a place to live.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

The gun legislation was doomed the minute it became associated with the words common sense.

I love my dog, but since the kids came along, the petting has gone out of our relationship.

To me 30 isn't old. But it's definitely the beginning of no longer young. Because you notice little subtle things happen to you. You'll be in your car driving around listening to the radio and hear stuff like, That's was an oldie from The Clash.

One phrase you don't want kicking off your obituary is, Never, in the long history of bungee jumping.