My dog keeps looking at me as if he knows my secret, as if he and he alone can see my soul. That or he wants this pork chop.

Every Thanksgiving we feed the homeless so they may join us as we celebrate other people finding a home.

If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow.

If pop music reflects the culture, this will surely go down as the era in which people rose up and realized it was fun to dance at parties.

What do people in prison say when they meet new friends? Give me your cell number.

This is just a hunch, but I bet airplanes think helicopters are assholes.

As hard as I try to live with some degree of faith in my life, I just can't believe that the full moon can turn dude into a wolf.