My dog keeps looking at me as if he knows my secret, as if he and he alone can see my soul. That or he wants this pork chop.

Is there an award for the best trophy? I bet they hand out a plaque.

Always think twice before asking anything of anyone that ends in the words, on your face.

I love my dog, but since the kids came along, the petting has gone out of our relationship.

I'm so weird with women. I couldn't go up to a gorgeous woman and tell her the building's on fire. 'Don't take this the wrong way, uh. I don't mean to be weird and I'm not trying to be creepy, but the building's on fire.

The expression working like a dog dates back to a time in America when men would rise early, then lie around all day and lick their balls.

Please don't let all the freak storms and climate change lead you to believe in freak storms and climate change.