My dog keeps looking at me as if he knows my secret, as if he and he alone can see my soul. That or he wants this pork chop.

If you want to see what I'll look like as an old guy, check out any recent photo of me.

Whoever coined the phrase, killing two birds with one stone, not only hated birds but also thought we needed to conserve stones.

I grew up in a town called Hopedale, Massachusetts. I was born there in 1964, and the only thing I hate outside of myself is everything else.

When all the people covered in tattoos turn about 70 years old, they're going to look like a strange race of melting clowns.

Anything is possible if you believe in yourself, said the guidance counsellor, stifling a laugh.

To me 30 isn't old. But it's definitely the beginning of no longer young. Because you notice little subtle things happen to you. You'll be in your car driving around listening to the radio and hear stuff like, That's was an oldie from The Clash.