My dog keeps looking at me as if he knows my secret, as if he and he alone can see my soul. That or he wants this pork chop.

My dog is so old, she now has a lot of cats.

The hole on the face of an acoustic guitar is called the sound hole. The one of the face of its player is called the sincerity hole.

If God had wanted women to have giant, fake boobs he'd be a lot like my brother.

When I found out that coffins are padded, I stopped fearing death.

It's gonna be awesome! A suspected pedophile dunks my kids head in a bucket so when she dies she can live in an invisible castle. Set the alarm!

If there's one thing worse than being really angry for no reason, it's suddenly remembering the reason.