Just saw a woman with a big tattoo of Jesus on her back. I guess it's an ixnay on the oggy style-day.

My daughter will say she's hungry, and I'm like, 'Buddy, you're just bored. Do you understand? And you're already starting a pattern of satisfying an internal disconnect with an external stimulation, and that's a dead-end road, sweetie. Courtney Love lives on that road; you don't want to live on that road.

Cowboy boots with a suit? You're a rough, tough businessman. Chaps with a bow tie? You're in the rough, tough man business.

I try to live in the moment, but by the time I get there it's too late.

Even if I say, Everyone in the village died of diarrhea, I still laugh a little after diarrhea.

The older I get, the more I look like my favorite shoes.

What men say: I'm sorry, honey. I was wrong. What men think: I'd love a Chipwich. I should go get one.