Just saw a woman with a big tattoo of Jesus on her back. I guess it's an ixnay on the oggy style-day.

What if you went to Hell, and it was exactly what you thought it would be: just a cave with fire? And the devil really was this idiot in a red leotard with a pitchfork?

My fantasy football team got mixed up in another fantasy and now they're stuck on a pirate ship with a chick in a Catwoman suit.

There's something vaguely erotic about watching a woman eat a banana while cupping two plums.

Dogs: the best friend you will ever have that pees on your couch and stays your friend.

Being funny is not the same as being happy.

I feel very uncomfortable when I eat in restaurants. I'm obnoxiously polite with the waiters: 'I just want a tuna sandwich. I'll go get it. You sit here - I'll get it, I'll make it.