The best part of chronic head lice is it takes away your fear of dying alone.

Chocolate covered peanuts, chocolate covered raisins, chocolate covered pretzels... Chocolate. So afraid to be alone.

Our grocery store now has self-checkout, for your convenience. It's like getting punched in the throat, for your comfort.

What do people in prison say when they meet new friends? Give me your cell number.

Every day is a gift. That said, I've gotten some pretty shitty gifts over the years.

Always remember, you don't stop shitting your pants because you grow old. You grow old because you stop shitting your pants.

The expression working like a dog dates back to a time in America when men would rise early, then lie around all day and lick their balls.