The best part of chronic head lice is it takes away your fear of dying alone.

Did you know that Dog Heaven and Cat Hell were the same place?

I once felt bad because I had no shoes, and then I met a man who had no feet. He was wearing an ankle bracelet that kept falling off.

I'm of the generation of kids where the G.I. Joe's developed Kung Fu Grip right around the same time I did.

Marriage is like a row boat: it fits two, it doesn't work on auto-pilot and it's very difficult to have sex in.

Rejected names for World War II: 'Global Super Killfest', 'Germaniacal Japandamonium', 'World War 1: New Moon'.

A lot of people have a particular song that, no matter their mood, turns them on. With me, it's Eleanor Rigby.