The best part of chronic head lice is it takes away your fear of dying alone.

I take the Bible literally, but not seriously.

We would have never gotten mace had someone not thought, There must be a good way to burn someone's eyes.

I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? Get out there and play like horny old ladies!

Our grocery store now has self-checkout, for your convenience. It's like getting punched in the throat, for your comfort.

I'm no longer afraid of not making enough mistakes.

Always remember, you don't stop shitting your pants because you grow old. You grow old because you stop shitting your pants.