If anything, I believe that when I die, I will have to stand in front of all the children who went to bed hungry while I was on earth and read aloud a list of my eBay purchases. I shudder to think of it. Explaining to a poor child with a swollen belly why I didn't give his village fifty cents a week but spent twenty-seven dollars in a bidding war for a Mars Attacks coffee cup.

How do I ask my shrink to stop responding to everything I say with, Too much information! and then giggling behind a pillow?

The best part of chronic head lice is it takes away your fear of dying alone.

Cupcakes - when you want to watch your weight, but still feel the pride that comes with eating an entire cake.

It might not be rational, but I am terrified of getting stuck in an elevator with a bear.

Why is it, when I have nothing to do, I drink more coffee? It's as if I'm in a big hurry to get nothing done.

A big blizzard proves there's no global warming in the same way being out of milk proves there's no such thing as cows.