If anything, I believe that when I die, I will have to stand in front of all the children who went to bed hungry while I was on earth and read aloud a list of my eBay purchases. I shudder to think of it. Explaining to a poor child with a swollen belly why I didn't give his village fifty cents a week but spent twenty-seven dollars in a bidding war for a Mars Attacks coffee cup.

As hard as I try to live with some degree of faith in my life, I just can't believe that the full moon can turn dude into a wolf.

Although I love the taste of Nutrageous bars, I am nutraged at their new, high price.

The hard part about living in the present is it forces you to abandon hope for the future. Thanks for nothing, now.

I have all my ex-girlfriends lumped into one big girlfriend I called M.A.N.D.Y.: My, Another Neurotic Disappointment? Yes.

I have no ability to develop muscle tone. I could do situps all day and still look like a condom full of walnuts.

The gun legislation was doomed the minute it became associated with the words common sense.