If anything, I believe that when I die, I will have to stand in front of all the children who went to bed hungry while I was on earth and read aloud a list of my eBay purchases. I shudder to think of it. Explaining to a poor child with a swollen belly why I didn't give his village fifty cents a week but spent twenty-seven dollars in a bidding war for a Mars Attacks coffee cup.

Always think twice before asking anything of anyone that ends in the words, on your face.

Every time the circus comes to town, I can't help thinking, Somewhere out there, there's clown semen.

I've grown tired of resting on my laurels and have decided to start resting on my failures.

How come, when people wear half shirts, it's always the top half?

It's gonna be awesome! A suspected pedophile dunks my kids head in a bucket so when she dies she can live in an invisible castle. Set the alarm!

Something tells me that Mitt Romney's sex face is the same as his regular face.