The hard part about living in the present is it forces you to abandon hope for the future. Thanks for nothing, now.

The gun legislation was doomed the minute it became associated with the words common sense.

Strap On spelled backwards is No Parts. Just sayin'.

For men there are costumes like fireman, policeman and vampire. For women there are costumes like slutty fireman, slutty policeman and slutty vampire.

I have no ability to develop muscle tone. I could do situps all day and still look like a condom full of walnuts.

I was born an emotional tampon in a cauldron of dysfunction.

I'm going to live until I die, and everything in between is just another excuse to eat peanut butter.