The hard part about living in the present is it forces you to abandon hope for the future. Thanks for nothing, now.

I've grown tired of resting on my laurels and have decided to start resting on my failures.

Want to be happy? Don't live competitively. Be content who you are. Live at peace with yourself and the losers below you.

For men there are costumes like fireman, policeman and vampire. For women there are costumes like slutty fireman, slutty policeman and slutty vampire.

I like to think of murder-suicide as extreme multitasking.

Why is it, when I have nothing to do, I drink more coffee? It's as if I'm in a big hurry to get nothing done.

If I masturbate while Googling myself, which part is more redundant?