The hard part about living in the present is it forces you to abandon hope for the future. Thanks for nothing, now.

What do people in prison say when they meet new friends? Give me your cell number.

Why is it, when I have nothing to do, I drink more coffee? It's as if I'm in a big hurry to get nothing done.

If I had a Volkswagon Beetle. I'd paint the front to resemble Glenn Langdon in War Of The Colossal Beast. Why? Two words: The Ladies.

Now that the Sanctity and Holiness of heterosexual marriage has been destroyed, are they going to cancel The Bachelor?

If Jesus was a baby, there was a point, on that Holiest of nights, in that Holiest of mangers, where he made a big, Holy load.

I've often been accused of being the comic's comic. It's a bad business model when your fans are the people who get in free.