The hard part about living in the present is it forces you to abandon hope for the future. Thanks for nothing, now.

Somewhere a woman is praying her toddler wins a beauty pageant. I say this because sometimes people wonder why God lets tornadoes happen.

Cupcakes - when you want to watch your weight, but still feel the pride that comes with eating an entire cake.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

I'm of the generation of kids where the G.I. Joe's developed Kung Fu Grip right around the same time I did.

The expression working like a dog dates back to a time in America when men would rise early, then lie around all day and lick their balls.

We would have never gotten mace had someone not thought, There must be a good way to burn someone's eyes.