Please don't let all the freak storms and climate change lead you to believe in freak storms and climate change.

If pop music reflects the culture, this will surely go down as the era in which people rose up and realized it was fun to dance at parties.

I'm so weird with women. I couldn't go up to a gorgeous woman and tell her the building's on fire. 'Don't take this the wrong way, uh. I don't mean to be weird and I'm not trying to be creepy, but the building's on fire.

Getting plastic surgery in your late 70's, it's kind of like painting your house as the fire approaches. Just die, there's no shame in it.

I've often been accused of being the comic's comic. It's a bad business model when your fans are the people who get in free.

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

My dog keeps looking at me as if he knows my secret, as if he and he alone can see my soul. That or he wants this pork chop.