Listening to Evanescence makes me want to break up with a girl in real time as a giant antique hourglass falls to the floor in slow motion.

You are the director of your own life story. Don't cast idiots or people will walk out during your 2nd act.

Every joke has its origin - the punching people in the face joke. It hurts like hell to get punched in the face.

After you have loss in your life and after you experience something like losing your parents, the greatest gift of that was it prepared me for [anything]. Nothing else is as scary, and certainly stand-up comedy is not as scary as sitting there with your mom and having to have last conversations and things like that. It's heavy stuff, but it's enlightening because it makes me think I shouldn't be afraid of sharing ideas and thoughts with people. It's the yin and the yang of life.

Jim Norton and Harland Williams always make me laugh.

I don't know if I could rebuild an airplane engine, but I know a little bit about rotors and rivets.

My grandmother died of natural causes. Or as my family calls it murdered by the lord.