You can easily tell if a person is lying and cheating on you if they say, I love you. I would never lie to you or cheat on you.

I was very good at kickball ... I was wonderful at ah doing that kick and your leg goes up and your shoe went on top of the school

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Why do they call it the restroom? Is there anybody just resting in this room?

When you swear to God, its true ... right now God is watching and saying, this is true.

I am going to name a group of my kids after my favorite cartoons, I am going to name them after Transformers.

Listening to Evanescence makes me want to break up with a girl in real time as a giant antique hourglass falls to the floor in slow motion.