It really drives me banana sangwich.

I'm fine, I am just going to go over here and puke shards of my own pelvis into this bush.

You know your gut instincts are spot on about a person when you can also detect a water source in the soil beneath them.

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

The whole thing with comedy is that you are always in control. Writer, director, actor, producer, and sometimes bouncer. And you are just a piece of their puzzle.

I had one job that was kind of cop-like. One summer I did security at a miniature golf course. Just standing out in the sun all day, Hey, hey, excuse me sir. Get your putter out of the whale's ass. Come on, this is a place of miniature business. This is not a playground even though it looks like a playground.

I'm not racist, I've got a black president.