It really drives me banana sangwich.

Ma'am, are you trying to molest me via drivethru?

Three weeks ago one of my dreams came true. I finally got to see something I always wanted to witness live. I finally saw someone get hit by a car... Nailed!

It's amazing how dumb people can impress you with how much stupider they can be when they really assert themselves.

Every time you come in from cheating on someone, they'll just whip out the most adorable term of endearment. Like, they'll wake up, bright and early, sleep in their eyes and say: "Hey, perfect."

I found someones passport on the ground tonight. Where do you sell these things?

The whole thing with comedy is that you are always in control. Writer, director, actor, producer, and sometimes bouncer. And you are just a piece of their puzzle.