I'm sure that people who have been tweeting funny things have ended up on writing staffs of a late night show.

I feel like the gods have certainly patted me on the head.

When I'm wrong I'm like the Emperor on the Death Star thinking he'll turn Luke. Yet, when I'm right I'm a Jedi like my father before me.

You have to have a strong sense of humor to date me, and also know that you're probably going to be a part of the routine quite a bit.

When you don't have love, it's like there's a party going on, and everybody was invited, except for you. And you just happened to be walking by that house in the rain...

I like fearless characters, people just not afraid to do anything it takes to make people laugh.

I once overheard the sweetest old woman behind me on a train tell her adorable old husband as he scoffed down a ham sandwich she had brought along, "If you ever yell at me to "stop bringing a ham sandwich with me every where we go" again? Next time I'm bringing a gun. And I'm blowing your God damn head off."