I'm sure that people who have been tweeting funny things have ended up on writing staffs of a late night show.

Every joke has its origin - the punching people in the face joke. It hurts like hell to get punched in the face.

You know what I'd like to be able to do more than anything else? I'd love to be able to shoot spaghetti out of my fingertips. Pppptthhh! Cause no one wants to be covered in spaghetti. No. If I'm on a date with a girl and she's very rude, I'd be like, You know what? Pppptthhh! Enjoy your spaghetti, you're very rude. Enjoy your spaghetti, cause you're rude. Pppptthhh!

It's amazing how dumb people can impress you with how much stupider they can be when they really assert themselves.

I'm fine, I am just going to go over here and puke shards of my own pelvis into this bush.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.