It's hard dealing with day to day disappointments and feeling like you can't find success. Especially when your best friend is Pixar.

I'm sure that people who have been tweeting funny things have ended up on writing staffs of a late night show.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

You know what I'd like to be able to do more than anything else? I'd love to be able to shoot spaghetti out of my fingertips. Pppptthhh! Cause no one wants to be covered in spaghetti. No. If I'm on a date with a girl and she's very rude, I'd be like, You know what? Pppptthhh! Enjoy your spaghetti, you're very rude. Enjoy your spaghetti, cause you're rude. Pppptthhh!

When you are doing stand-up comedy, you are the writer, producer, director, sometimes bouncer.

My favorite sexual position is when the girl is facing Mecca and I am fighting off a wolf.

I don't get any anxiety. I don't because of two reasons. Number one, just breaking through it as a kid and finally getting past it was like okay, nothing's ever going to feel that scary again as that deafening silence of a joke not working. Any joke not working is not as bad as not being able to even try and get on stage.