Someone needs to make a zombie movie where when you get bit it turns you into a singing and dancing extraordinaire.

Drive, ego and cocksureness are all essential elements in terms of getting exactly what you want but losing everything you've got.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I miss dating only for that final moment you kiss goodnight, watch her get out of your car and run into the police station.

I'm sure that people who have been tweeting funny things have ended up on writing staffs of a late night show.

Teach your kids to make deplorable choices and hopefully they'll rebel and make the right ones.

We're all gonna lie, we're all gonna cry, and we're all gonna take painful shits.