Someone needs to make a zombie movie where when you get bit it turns you into a singing and dancing extraordinaire.

Text a guy you like right now, "I'm thinking about you." If he says, "mmm are you in bed?" Never speak to him again he's a lifelong moron.

When I have a really hot date at a show, I definitely make it a point to use her name. The girls really love that.

Some girls look beautiful with no makeup on at all. I call them lazy. Now go throw some war paint on you bleak empty canvas you.

I got home from work today and took like a one hundred hour nap. No you did not. You'd be very sick if you were taking one hundred hour naps. That's a coma! If you said you took a coma after work I'd be able to follow the story.

You are the director of your own life story. Don't cast idiots or people will walk out during your 2nd act.

I always wanted to be a snake. Every time I saw a snake on TV. I'd always say 'Why not me?'