I miss dating only for that final moment you kiss goodnight, watch her get out of your car and run into the police station.

I work with a lot of kids. Every year, for the past fifteen years, I work at Comedy Camp where I work with a lot of kids.

Created a word game to play with a person you're fighting with. Silent Treatment. Nothing happens until one of you quietly says, Hey, you hungry?

You are the director of your own life story. Don't cast idiots or people will walk out during your 2nd act.

Anger has a way of seeping into every other emotion and planting itself in there.

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

If you have to be at work at 8, it's always like, 7:54. Just enough time to do nothing. To just lay there and go, "I can't do anything! I can't even have an English muffin!