I miss dating only for that final moment you kiss goodnight, watch her get out of your car and run into the police station.

You know you're lazy when you run out of toilet paper and use the cardboard roll to wipe with.

You've gotta share what's going on in your mind.

When a guy says "I have no idea what you're talking about" it means "I'm thinking of exactly what you're saying I did while I lie to you."

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I would love to have acidy spit.

I feel like the gods have certainly patted me on the head.