I once overheard the sweetest old woman behind me on a train tell her adorable old husband as he scoffed down a ham sandwich she had brought along, "If you ever yell at me to "stop bringing a ham sandwich with me every where we go" again? Next time I'm bringing a gun. And I'm blowing your God damn head off."

Saw a lost dog sign with a pic of the dog and a little boy hugging it. I'm assuming the kids safe and we're just focusing on the pooch.

I had never done a roast, but I really wanted to, because it's so different from standup.

Sometimes sex is just a way to escape having to talk to that person.

When you delete pictures of your ex off your phone, it feels lighter.

The problem with dating a model is they won't go out with you if your cars color doesn't match their outfit.

I love hecklers. They remind you that you are a comedian.