It's hard to be happy for someone when you know deep down they'd kill you if they had the chance.

I grew up very self-loathing. I was a phobic. I had anxiety. I had panic attacks.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

My real first job was delivering newspapers with I was 15. I would ride my bike around and chuck papers at people's houses. The thing that sucked is when I would go collecting everyone acted like they were not home. Totally sucked but because I could control the weather I showered trashcan size hail down on their homes until they were completely decimated.

A lot of comics are kind of vampire types; we do our shows and disappear into the night. My philosophy was, this is like politics, and if I want people to know about my campaign, I'm going to go out there and shake hands.

Some people give you that motivation to work harder simply to get the hell away from wherever they are.

I'm really great in other peoples relationships.