I'm a deep thinker when it comes to shallow no brainers.

It's amazing how dumb people can impress you with how much stupider they can be when they really assert themselves.

It was peace. Peace is when you would shake the hands of the people around you. And you knew peace was coming because the priest would say it five times rapid fire. He'd go, “My peace I leave, my peace I give to you. While we ate Reese's Pieces with the Lord. And I have a piece of lint in my peaceful eye"!

You must accept responsibility for your actions. This doesn't include reactions, interactions or transactions if you're thinkin' loophole.

A lot of comics are kind of vampire types; we do our shows and disappear into the night. My philosophy was, this is like politics, and if I want people to know about my campaign, I'm going to go out there and shake hands.

I always wanted to be a snake. Every time I saw a snake on TV. I'd always say 'Why not me?'

I don't know if I could kill someone with a frozen turkey because that is a lot of evidence to eat .... unless I found a whole room of people who also wanted that person dead.