You have to realize, when you're a comedian, that you have to have a thick skin. And trust me, being onstage in front of people is already difficult enough. Somebody's personal attack in an email is not as hard as getting onstage.

Even when I go to a salad bar, I need to feel like I'm one of the first people there.

You know you're lazy when you run out of toilet paper and use the cardboard roll to wipe with.

I'm going to hell, ah... but you're laughing, so you're coming.

I feel like people who don't brag are trying to make you jealous by thinking they're hiding something more even exciting.

You have to realize, when you're a comedian, that you have to have a thick skin. And trust me, being onstage in front of people is already difficult enough. Somebody's personal attack in an email is not as hard as getting onstage.

If you're drunk please don't drive. If you're on shrooms please don't think Walmart's a prison for bad clothing that needs help escaping.