I was told by a girl once that I should teach a course on how to kiss properly. I thought that was really a nice compliment. I then asked her what she thought about my sexual prowess and she recommended I talk to a guy she used to date. Body blow.

Some people give you that motivation to work harder simply to get the hell away from wherever they are.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Sometimes, like we all do, I look at myself in the mirror. Sometimes I cry. Like a really hard cry like you just watch yourself cry but then you're done and you're just glowing and you're staring at yourself.

I did stand-up comedy for seventeen years. I need to explore other things.

If you lie to a person at least tell someone else you've lied to the truth. It balances out your karma.

Saw a lost dog sign with a pic of the dog and a little boy hugging it. I'm assuming the kids safe and we're just focusing on the pooch.