You know you're lazy when you run out of toilet paper and use the cardboard roll to wipe with.

I don't know if I could rebuild an airplane engine, but I know a little bit about rotors and rivets.

I don't have to do anything for anyone else's benefit anymore. I just want to exceed my own expectations.

You need to open up your soul and have a weep-a-thon.

Any guy that refers to dating women as the hunt or being on the prowl should be evaluated for a number of conditions.

After you have loss in your life and after you experience something like losing your parents, the greatest gift of that was it prepared me for [anything]. Nothing else is as scary, and certainly stand-up comedy is not as scary as sitting there with your mom and having to have last conversations and things like that. It's heavy stuff, but it's enlightening because it makes me think I shouldn't be afraid of sharing ideas and thoughts with people. It's the yin and the yang of life.

Vince Vaughn is a genuine person, awesome guy. He'll come to a lot of my shows. It's not that often that you can meet someone as cool as Vince.