You can't become tempted if you just give in a little quicker.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

Someone needs to make a zombie movie where when you get bit it turns you into a singing and dancing extraordinaire.

I always thought that if I got no love at all early in my standup career, or I was god awful, I thought I'd get into psychology.

Sometimes, like we all do, I look at myself in the mirror. Sometimes I cry. Like a really hard cry like you just watch yourself cry but then you're done and you're just glowing and you're staring at yourself.

I miss dating only for that final moment you kiss goodnight, watch her get out of your car and run into the police station.

When you delete pictures of your ex off your phone, it feels lighter.