No one wants to drown. Drowning would be the worst. Cause everyone knows that feeling. That feeling, oh it's the worst... when you think you're drowning.

I'm fine, I am just going to go over here and puke shards of my own pelvis into this bush.

I have never even had a sip of alcohol, never have done drugs. The hardest thing I have ever done would be Pepsi.

I always thought that if I got no love at all early in my standup career, or I was god awful, I thought I'd get into psychology.

I love singing along to the radio while I'm riding in the back of a squad car.

On stage I am the actor, director and the bouncer all at the same time. Fear does not exist in this dojo does it? No Sensi! Sorry when I get excited I have to toss in some Karate Kid quotes.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.