Text a guy you like right now, "I'm thinking about you." If he says, "mmm are you in bed?" Never speak to him again he's a lifelong moron.

Then it was snack time, right in the middle of mass. Right out of nowhere, the priest would look down and say, 'Let's have some yum yums!' You would get in line - you would jump in the line - and you would go up and get the crouton O'Christ.

My favorite sexual position is when the girl is facing Mecca and I am fighting off a wolf.

The little boy inside of all us men always loves something video game related.

I grew up very self-loathing. I was a phobic. I had anxiety. I had panic attacks.

You need to open up your soul and have a weep-a-thon.

Here's the thing about Red Sox fans, or actually just fans from that region, in general: they appreciate the effort. And if you mail it in or if you give 80 percent, even with a win, they'll let you know that's not how you do it. They want - if it's comedian, if it's a musician, bring us your best show.