My favorite sexual position is when the girl is facing Mecca and I am fighting off a wolf.

I always thought that if I got no love at all early in my standup career, or I was god awful, I thought I'd get into psychology.

If you live far away from a person you no longer want to date just let them know that they are geographically undesirable.

My favorite sexual position is when the girl is facing Mecca and I am fighting off a wolf.

My advice is: to try and stay really true to the things that make YOU laugh, as opposed to trying to create a character that you think is funny. Some comedians get into bad habits when they are trying to create something that is not them, and they are trying to write a voice that isn't their true voice.

I once overheard the sweetest old woman behind me on a train tell her adorable old husband as he scoffed down a ham sandwich she had brought along, "If you ever yell at me to "stop bringing a ham sandwich with me every where we go" again? Next time I'm bringing a gun. And I'm blowing your God damn head off."

You can easily tell if a person is lying and cheating on you if they say, I love you. I would never lie to you or cheat on you.