My favorite sexual position is when the girl is facing Mecca and I am fighting off a wolf.

I work with a lot of kids. Every year, for the past fifteen years, I work at Comedy Camp where I work with a lot of kids.

I miss dating only for that final moment you kiss goodnight, watch her get out of your car and run into the police station.

I always wanted to do a B&E. Not bacon and eggs. Although I could always go for bacon and eggs. I'm talking about breaking in and entering.

I had never done a roast, but I really wanted to, because it's so different from standup.

I could take my time, and nobody was pressuring me to be a headliner. I could go up there, find my voice, and figure out what I wanted to do.

If you're 1 of the 3 girls in pics with a greaseball whose arms are around you at a club you lose at life. If you're the greaseball you win.