My favorite sexual position is when the girl is facing Mecca and I am fighting off a wolf.

I am going to name a group of my kids after my favorite cartoons, I am going to name them after Transformers.

I once overheard the sweetest old woman behind me on a train tell her adorable old husband as he scoffed down a ham sandwich she had brought along, "If you ever yell at me to "stop bringing a ham sandwich with me every where we go" again? Next time I'm bringing a gun. And I'm blowing your God damn head off."

What happens in Vegas, I'm telling everyone.

Jim Norton and Harland Williams always make me laugh.

I do try to keep my show very improvisational. I don't work off a set list; I like to keep it more in the moment. I like to have information about where I'm going, what might be happening in that particular region as well. I like for people to feel like the show is for them.

I found someones passport on the ground tonight. Where do you sell these things?