I'm fine, I am just going to go over here and puke shards of my own pelvis into this bush.

You know your girls up to no good when her and her friends make a pact to post nothing on Instagram.

If you lie to a person at least tell someone else you've lied to the truth. It balances out your karma.

I was told by a girl once that I should teach a course on how to kiss properly. I thought that was really a nice compliment. I then asked her what she thought about my sexual prowess and she recommended I talk to a guy she used to date. Body blow.

You know what I'd like to be able to do more than anything else? I'd love to be able to shoot spaghetti out of my fingertips. Pppptthhh! Cause no one wants to be covered in spaghetti. No. If I'm on a date with a girl and she's very rude, I'd be like, You know what? Pppptthhh! Enjoy your spaghetti, you're very rude. Enjoy your spaghetti, cause you're rude. Pppptthhh!

It's an incredible feeling falling in love someone who doesn't know you exist.

My favorite sexual position is when the girl is facing Mecca and I am fighting off a wolf.