I'm fine, I am just going to go over here and puke shards of my own pelvis into this bush.

Then it was snack time, right in the middle of mass. Right out of nowhere, the priest would look down and say, 'Let's have some yum yums!' You would get in line - you would jump in the line - and you would go up and get the crouton O'Christ.

I can't do anything! I can't even have an English muffin!

Pain only hurts when you are looking for a reason to quit. You don't feel a thing when you know you can still win.

I can't watch a woman play with herself - to me, it looks like a DJ working the turntables... DJ Diddles.

Every joke has its origin - the punching people in the face joke. It hurts like hell to get punched in the face.

We never had a pool, right. So one summer, I remember. My dad, to make me happy. You know I was bummed out cause we didn't have the pool. So one summer he bought us this thing. It was yellow, you laid it on the lawn, sprayed it with the water, run across. Slip n' Slide. Yeah. Would have been fun if dad checked for rocks before he laid it down! Slip n' Bleed from the anus they should have called this ride.