I'm fine, I am just going to go over here and puke shards of my own pelvis into this bush.

Ex-girlfriends will find themselves in my new routine. Sometimes they like that, and sometimes they definitely do not. But comedians should come with a giant warning or disclaimer: IF YOU DATE ME, IT WILL BE IN MY ACT.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

The problem with dating a model is they won't go out with you if your cars color doesn't match their outfit.

Three weeks ago one of my dreams came true. I finally got to see something I always wanted to witness live. I finally saw someone get hit by a car... Nailed!

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.