You know your gut instincts are spot on about a person when you can also detect a water source in the soil beneath them.

When you hand someone a camera, why do they act like you just asked them to dissemble a bomb? They take it and they're like, 'What do I do ... I don't really ... ha-huh ...' Yeah, it's the button on the top right where it always is since the beginning of #*@! time!

I got home from work today and took like a one hundred hour nap. No you did not. You'd be very sick if you were taking one hundred hour naps. That's a coma! If you said you took a coma after work I'd be able to follow the story.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

I like fearless characters, people just not afraid to do anything it takes to make people laugh.

Ex-girlfriends will find themselves in my new routine. Sometimes they like that, and sometimes they definitely do not. But comedians should come with a giant warning or disclaimer: IF YOU DATE ME, IT WILL BE IN MY ACT.

Nice teeth is a turn on for me. If you open your mouth and it looks like a battle of epic proportions, I don't like it.