I had one job that was kind of cop-like. One summer I did security at a miniature golf course. Just standing out in the sun all day, Hey, hey, excuse me sir. Get your putter out of the whale's ass. Come on, this is a place of miniature business. This is not a playground even though it looks like a playground.

I do think I am funny, or I wouldn't be where I am today. I do think there is always room for improvement and learning.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

You know your gut instincts are spot on about a person when you can also detect a water source in the soil beneath them.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

Sometimes, like we all do, I look at myself in the mirror. Sometimes I cry. Like a really hard cry like you just watch yourself cry but then you're done and you're just glowing and you're staring at yourself.

I got home from work today and took like a one hundred hour nap. No you did not. You'd be very sick if you were taking one hundred hour naps. That's a coma! If you said you took a coma after work I'd be able to follow the story.