Are there glass shards in my anus?!

After you have loss in your life and after you experience something like losing your parents, the greatest gift of that was it prepared me for [anything]. Nothing else is as scary, and certainly stand-up comedy is not as scary as sitting there with your mom and having to have last conversations and things like that. It's heavy stuff, but it's enlightening because it makes me think I shouldn't be afraid of sharing ideas and thoughts with people. It's the yin and the yang of life.

If you live far away from a person you no longer want to date just let them know that they are geographically undesirable.

I have never even had a sip of alcohol, never have done drugs. The hardest thing I have ever done would be Pepsi.

I think beating someone to death with a ukulele would just sound funny.

A lot of comics are kind of vampire types; we do our shows and disappear into the night. My philosophy was, this is like politics, and if I want people to know about my campaign, I'm going to go out there and shake hands.

It's the worst feeling when you come home alone late at night and think the stranger sitting on your couch is a pile of clothes.