Quote/Unquote and you can quote me on the quote/unquote.

I never leave a dog alone in a car on a hot day. I make sure it's with an elderly person holding a baby.

It's an incredible feeling falling in love someone who doesn't know you exist.

A lot of comics are kind of vampire types; we do our shows and disappear into the night. My philosophy was, this is like politics, and if I want people to know about my campaign, I'm going to go out there and shake hands.

I did stand-up comedy for seventeen years. I need to explore other things.

I can't watch a woman play with herself - to me, it looks like a DJ working the turntables... DJ Diddles.

I'm in a new club, by the way. And I don't know if you're first timers like I am, but I'm in the 'I Just Dropped My Cell Phone In My Own Piss' Club. Have you done that? Yeah, good times. I'm on the phone and I forget that I'm using shoulder technique. Urinals were taken so I went in to use the regular john. And as I'm standing there, mid-conversation, I'm like 'Are you serious?' and it just started to toboggan right down my powerful chest.