Sometimes, when you want to make a difference in a person's life, stay out of it.

I'm fine, I am just going to go over here and puke shards of my own pelvis into this bush.

I was very good at kickball ... I was wonderful at ah doing that kick and your leg goes up and your shoe went on top of the school

People know I have a good time on stage. I love my life. I love my job.

If you think your demeanor is mellow or not particularly charismatic, the material can life you higher. So write everyday, and get onstage or in a coffee shop where they are doing open mice, anywhere you can perform even if that means starting your own open mic night - and be your own self.

I don't like people that litter. If you don't throw a wrapper in the trashcan and you just toss it out on the ground I wanna take you and toss you into outer space.

When you are doing stand-up comedy, you are the writer, producer, director, sometimes bouncer.