I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

Dear semi hot girl taking photos on a boat. It's not your boat so stop acting like you own it. You drive a used Civic.

When I'm wrong I'm like the Emperor on the Death Star thinking he'll turn Luke. Yet, when I'm right I'm a Jedi like my father before me.

You know what I'd like to be able to do more than anything else? I'd love to be able to shoot spaghetti out of my fingertips. Pppptthhh! Cause no one wants to be covered in spaghetti. No. If I'm on a date with a girl and she's very rude, I'd be like, You know what? Pppptthhh! Enjoy your spaghetti, you're very rude. Enjoy your spaghetti, cause you're rude. Pppptthhh!

I have a new saying, what I see in Vegas, I am telling everybody.

Nothing is a better icebreaker than a great joke.

The little boy inside of all us men always loves something video game related.