I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

You have to have a strong sense of humor to date me, and also know that you're probably going to be a part of the routine quite a bit.

When I'm wrong I'm like the Emperor on the Death Star thinking he'll turn Luke. Yet, when I'm right I'm a Jedi like my father before me.

If you live far away from a person you no longer want to date just let them know that they are geographically undesirable.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

If you're drunk please don't drive. If you're on shrooms please don't think Walmart's a prison for bad clothing that needs help escaping.

I like to play guitar, jam out, play the blues, go watch movies. I love movies.