I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

I got home from work today and took like a one hundred hour nap. No you did not. You'd be very sick if you were taking one hundred hour naps. That's a coma! If you said you took a coma after work I'd be able to follow the story.

You can try to steal the thunder all you want, it just reminds people I'm the lightning. You rumble in the distance. I light up the sky.

Hi, I'm a buck tooth and I like to be outside past the lips.

I had never done a roast, but I really wanted to, because it's so different from standup.

I'm fine, I am just going to go over here and puke shards of my own pelvis into this bush.

If you live far away from a person you no longer want to date just let them know that they are geographically undesirable.