You have to have a strong sense of humor to date me, and also know that you're probably going to be a part of the routine quite a bit.

If you have to be at work at 8, it's always like, 7:54. Just enough time to do nothing. To just lay there and go, "I can't do anything! I can't even have an English muffin!

After you have loss in your life and after you experience something like losing your parents, the greatest gift of that was it prepared me for [anything]. Nothing else is as scary, and certainly stand-up comedy is not as scary as sitting there with your mom and having to have last conversations and things like that. It's heavy stuff, but it's enlightening because it makes me think I shouldn't be afraid of sharing ideas and thoughts with people. It's the yin and the yang of life.

Created a word game to play with a person you're fighting with. Silent Treatment. Nothing happens until one of you quietly says, Hey, you hungry?

Sometimes, when you want to make a difference in a person's life, stay out of it.

I just get excited doing shows. Off stage I am actually very feeble and must be spoon-fed because my hands are too brittle.

If you're drunk please don't drive. If you're on shrooms please don't think Walmart's a prison for bad clothing that needs help escaping.