You have to have a strong sense of humor to date me, and also know that you're probably going to be a part of the routine quite a bit.

I miss dating only for that final moment you kiss goodnight, watch her get out of your car and run into the police station.

Then it was snack time, right in the middle of mass. Right out of nowhere, the priest would look down and say, 'Let's have some yum yums!' You would get in line - you would jump in the line - and you would go up and get the crouton O'Christ.

I can do more than just stand-up comedy, and the only way I'll be able to show that is if I do it myself. Because nobody trusts that I can do it.

How do you fall into a lion's den, that is my first question there, you think you would be extra carefull around a den of lions.

Text a guy you like right now, "I'm thinking about you." If he says, "mmm are you in bed?" Never speak to him again he's a lifelong moron.

I saw a young boy eating an ice cream cone, ... I smashed it in his face. You know that kid is going to remember me when he's 50.