When a guy says "I have no idea what you're talking about" it means "I'm thinking of exactly what you're saying I did while I lie to you."

What am I supposed to say to an atheist when he sneezes, ah, when you die nothing happens.

Let's talk a little about love. Sometimes you meet somebody and you have what is known as a relationship and things can go great. If things go great you have a great relationship. Sometimes it doesn't go so great and I call that a relationshit!

I did stand-up comedy for seventeen years. I need to explore other things.

Vince Vaughn is a genuine person, awesome guy. He'll come to a lot of my shows. It's not that often that you can meet someone as cool as Vince.

You need to open up your soul and have a weep-a-thon.

I'm a deep thinker when it comes to shallow no brainers.