I was doing comedy in laundry mats in 1992, literally where I would bring a little gorilla amp and a lapel mike and just start performing.

Jim Norton and Harland Williams always make me laugh.

Someone needs to make a zombie movie where when you get bit it turns you into a singing and dancing extraordinaire.

It's hard to be happy for someone when you know deep down they'd kill you if they had the chance.

You know you're lazy when you run out of toilet paper and use the cardboard roll to wipe with.

I had one job that was kind of cop-like. One summer I did security at a miniature golf course. Just standing out in the sun all day, Hey, hey, excuse me sir. Get your putter out of the whale's ass. Come on, this is a place of miniature business. This is not a playground even though it looks like a playground.

Sometimes girls act all TNT Network because they know drama. That's when guys get all TBS around you because we think it's very funny.