When you hand someone a camera, why do they act like you just asked them to dissemble a bomb? They take it and they're like, 'What do I do ... I don't really ... ha-huh ...' Yeah, it's the button on the top right where it always is since the beginning of #*@! time!

Dear semi hot girl taking photos on a boat. It's not your boat so stop acting like you own it. You drive a used Civic.

I'm a late-night guy.

I had never done a roast, but I really wanted to, because it's so different from standup.

I did stand-up comedy for seventeen years. I need to explore other things.

If you use tact you can say anything, then make it funny.

In the year 3000, everything will be instant.