I got home from work today and took like a one hundred hour nap. No you did not. You'd be very sick if you were taking one hundred hour naps. That's a coma! If you said you took a coma after work I'd be able to follow the story.

I'm willing to write a check for $10,000 if someone can bring to me what I fell is ruining thousands of lives, destroying lives everyday. And I know that you know it's a little thing called Chupacabra.

Pain only hurts when you are looking for a reason to quit. You don't feel a thing when you know you can still win.

I had never done a roast, but I really wanted to, because it's so different from standup.

I'm fine, I am just going to go over here and puke shards of my own pelvis into this bush.

Anger has a way of seeping into every other emotion and planting itself in there.

People know I have a good time on stage. I love my life. I love my job.