I got home from work today and took like a one hundred hour nap. No you did not. You'd be very sick if you were taking one hundred hour naps. That's a coma! If you said you took a coma after work I'd be able to follow the story.

I have never even had a sip of alcohol, never have done drugs. The hardest thing I have ever done would be Pepsi.

When you're not in love, when you don't have love, everybody you know falls in love.

I think beating someone to death with a ukulele would just sound funny.

My advice is: to try and stay really true to the things that make YOU laugh, as opposed to trying to create a character that you think is funny. Some comedians get into bad habits when they are trying to create something that is not them, and they are trying to write a voice that isn't their true voice.

My nickname for my mom was 'The Compass.'

It's hard to be happy for someone when you know deep down they'd kill you if they had the chance.