My grandmother died of natural causes. Or as my family calls it murdered by the lord.

I got home from work today and took like a one hundred hour nap. No you did not. You'd be very sick if you were taking one hundred hour naps. That's a coma! If you said you took a coma after work I'd be able to follow the story.

Here's the thing about Red Sox fans, or actually just fans from that region, in general: they appreciate the effort. And if you mail it in or if you give 80 percent, even with a win, they'll let you know that's not how you do it. They want - if it's comedian, if it's a musician, bring us your best show.

You have to learn the crowd. I just pay attention to them so I can make sure I can make them laugh.

Text a guy you like right now, "I'm thinking about you." If he says, "mmm are you in bed?" Never speak to him again he's a lifelong moron.

When you hand someone a camera, why do they act like you just asked them to dissemble a bomb? They take it and they're like, 'What do I do ... I don't really ... ha-huh ...' Yeah, it's the button on the top right where it always is since the beginning of #*@! time!

When you see somebody walking down the street wearing a Superman t-shirt, you just want to shoot them in the chest ... when they start to bleed go, I guess not