Some people give you that motivation to work harder simply to get the hell away from wherever they are.

Time machine... wouldn't you like to travel through time? I would. I'd go back... mess with people. You know what I would do? I would go back to when my mom and dad were having sex, to have me. Ya'know, come in, spank my dad on the ass I'm your son from the future! Ahaha!

You can't become tempted if you just give in a little quicker.

I think that people who do enjoy my stand-up comedy and the people who get it and the people who are taken in by it, they see that I'm a guy that has love of the game.

Jim Norton and Harland Williams always make me laugh.

You are the director of your own life story. Don't cast idiots or people will walk out during your 2nd act.

If you lie to a person at least tell someone else you've lied to the truth. It balances out your karma.