I feel like people who don't brag are trying to make you jealous by thinking they're hiding something more even exciting.

You need to open up your soul and have a weep-a-thon.

Strip clubs are great places to meet interesting people you only wanna know for about 40 minutes.

Sometimes, when you want to make a difference in a person's life, stay out of it.

Every time you come in from cheating on someone, they'll just whip out the most adorable term of endearment. Like, they'll wake up, bright and early, sleep in their eyes and say: "Hey, perfect."

My real first job was delivering newspapers with I was 15. I would ride my bike around and chuck papers at people's houses. The thing that sucked is when I would go collecting everyone acted like they were not home. Totally sucked but because I could control the weather I showered trashcan size hail down on their homes until they were completely decimated.

I get so into the moment.