I feel like people who don't brag are trying to make you jealous by thinking they're hiding something more even exciting.

A lot of comics are kind of vampire types; we do our shows and disappear into the night. My philosophy was, this is like politics, and if I want people to know about my campaign, I'm going to go out there and shake hands.

I'm willing to write a check for $10,000 if someone can bring to me what I fell is ruining thousands of lives, destroying lives everyday. And I know that you know it's a little thing called Chupacabra.

I miss dating only for that final moment you kiss goodnight, watch her get out of your car and run into the police station.

I don't get any anxiety. I don't because of two reasons. Number one, just breaking through it as a kid and finally getting past it was like okay, nothing's ever going to feel that scary again as that deafening silence of a joke not working. Any joke not working is not as bad as not being able to even try and get on stage.

I live my life like there's no yesterday.

Anger has a way of seeping into every other emotion and planting itself in there.