Pain only hurts when you are looking for a reason to quit. You don't feel a thing when you know you can still win.

I can do more than just stand-up comedy, and the only way I'll be able to show that is if I do it myself. Because nobody trusts that I can do it.

If you lie to a person at least tell someone else you've lied to the truth. It balances out your karma.

I had one job that was kind of cop-like. One summer I did security at a miniature golf course. Just standing out in the sun all day, Hey, hey, excuse me sir. Get your putter out of the whale's ass. Come on, this is a place of miniature business. This is not a playground even though it looks like a playground.

Sometimes sex is just a way to escape having to talk to that person.

I have never even had a sip of alcohol, never have done drugs. The hardest thing I have ever done would be Pepsi.

It's amazing how dumb people can impress you with how much stupider they can be when they really assert themselves.