We never had a pool, right. So one summer, I remember. My dad, to make me happy. You know I was bummed out cause we didn't have the pool. So one summer he bought us this thing. It was yellow, you laid it on the lawn, sprayed it with the water, run across. Slip n' Slide. Yeah. Would have been fun if dad checked for rocks before he laid it down! Slip n' Bleed from the anus they should have called this ride.

I miss dating only for that final moment you kiss goodnight, watch her get out of your car and run into the police station.

I can't watch a woman play with herself - to me, it looks like a DJ working the turntables... DJ Diddles.

You know your gut instincts are spot on about a person when you can also detect a water source in the soil beneath them.

It's hard to be happy for someone when you know deep down they'd kill you if they had the chance.

It's the worst feeling when you come home alone late at night and think the stranger sitting on your couch is a pile of clothes.

We're all gonna lie, we're all gonna cry, and we're all gonna take painful shits.