I think that people who do enjoy my stand-up comedy and the people who get it and the people who are taken in by it, they see that I'm a guy that has love of the game.

I live my life like there's no yesterday.

We're all gonna lie, we're all gonna cry, and we're all gonna take painful shits.

I'm in a new club, by the way. And I don't know if you're first timers like I am, but I'm in the 'I Just Dropped My Cell Phone In My Own Piss' Club. Have you done that? Yeah, good times. I'm on the phone and I forget that I'm using shoulder technique. Urinals were taken so I went in to use the regular john. And as I'm standing there, mid-conversation, I'm like 'Are you serious?' and it just started to toboggan right down my powerful chest.

You need to open up your soul and have a weep-a-thon.

My favorite sexual position is when the girl is facing Mecca and I am fighting off a wolf.

Why do they call it the restroom? Is there anybody just resting in this room?