I think that people who do enjoy my stand-up comedy and the people who get it and the people who are taken in by it, they see that I'm a guy that has love of the game.

When you are doing stand-up comedy, you are the writer, producer, director, sometimes bouncer.

It's amazing how dumb people can impress you with how much stupider they can be when they really assert themselves.

When you see somebody walking down the street wearing a Superman t-shirt, you just want to shoot them in the chest ... when they start to bleed go, I guess not

I once overheard the sweetest old woman behind me on a train tell her adorable old husband as he scoffed down a ham sandwich she had brought along, "If you ever yell at me to "stop bringing a ham sandwich with me every where we go" again? Next time I'm bringing a gun. And I'm blowing your God damn head off."

I love hecklers. They remind you that you are a comedian.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.