I found someones passport on the ground tonight. Where do you sell these things?

Even when I go to a salad bar, I need to feel like I'm one of the first people there.

Saw a lost dog sign with a pic of the dog and a little boy hugging it. I'm assuming the kids safe and we're just focusing on the pooch.

This is a dream come true. HBO is the highest echelon in the world for a stand-up comedian to attain. Throughout my career I've trusted my instincts to lead me down the right path, and I am honored to work together with this network while contributing to the legacy that is HBO.

If you use tact you can say anything, then make it funny.

I could take my time, and nobody was pressuring me to be a headliner. I could go up there, find my voice, and figure out what I wanted to do.

I can't watch a woman play with herself - to me, it looks like a DJ working the turntables... DJ Diddles.