I found someones passport on the ground tonight. Where do you sell these things?

If you take a negative, turn it inside out, it's still a negative. You're just revealing the ugly inside of negative so I say keep it as is.

Teach your kids to make deplorable choices and hopefully they'll rebel and make the right ones.

Are there glass shards in my anus?!

Sometimes, like we all do, I look at myself in the mirror. Sometimes I cry. Like a really hard cry like you just watch yourself cry but then you're done and you're just glowing and you're staring at yourself.

I love hecklers. They remind you that you are a comedian.

When you don't have love, it's like there's a party going on, and everybody was invited, except for you. And you just happened to be walking by that house in the rain...