My professional dreams were coming true while I was living a personal nightmare.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Then it was snack time, right in the middle of mass. Right out of nowhere, the priest would look down and say, 'Let's have some yum yums!' You would get in line - you would jump in the line - and you would go up and get the crouton O'Christ.

I was very good at kickball ... I was wonderful at ah doing that kick and your leg goes up and your shoe went on top of the school

I got home from work today and took like a one hundred hour nap. No you did not. You'd be very sick if you were taking one hundred hour naps. That's a coma! If you said you took a coma after work I'd be able to follow the story.

I feel like people who don't brag are trying to make you jealous by thinking they're hiding something more even exciting.

My fam is just a regular family. But all of them have great senses of humor.